Why Acceptance Eases (or even avoids) Suffering.

My dear brother, who has been a steady, kindly and joyous presence in my life since childhood, sadly passed away last week. (7th  Jan 2022). He had been seriously ill since Christmas and just four days before he died he was diagnosed with acute Myeloid Leukaemia. It was a shock to all concerned as he was a fit, strong, healthy and happy man who enjoyed life and dearly loved his family and friends.

Obviously, I’ve been reminiscing on my brother’s life and what we’ve shared together and the kind, easy going person he always was. I’ve been thinking of his wife, three children and his many grandchildren who all adore him.

A quote I read some time ago suggests that the deeper we love, the harder we grieve, but I’m not sure I totally agree with that. I love my brother dearly and deeply but my pain and grief would be nowhere near as strong as that of his wife of almost 60 years who shared his life on a daily basis. Grief is individual and there’s no specific formula.

So how do we get back to ‘normal’ after the loss of loved ones?

How do we go on when it can feel completely overwhelming?

A phrase that I dwell on regularly comes to mind.

“I welcome wholeheartedly, all that arises, having given up the idea that things should be other than what they are”. (From the book, ‘How to Solve our Human Problems’).

For me, this sums it up perfectly as there are many things throughout life that are totally beyond our control, such as the deaths of loved ones. If we try to analyse it with constant thoughts of “why did it have to happen?” or maybe,  “I could (or should) have done more”, amongst many other unhelpful thoughts we come up with when grieving, we end up feeling worse and can lose sight of the joy and privilege it was to have that person in our lives at all.

Since I’ve somewhat mastered acceptance in my more senior years, I’ve been able to grieve more gently and sweetly for the loss of my brother than I managed with previous deaths of family and friends. I find myself thinking far more of his beautiful sunny disposition, his kind nature, his wry humour and of my childhood years, when he was a teenager and took me to exciting places in his trendy sports car! Being picked up from primary school by your handsome brother in a sports car, roof down of course, was something pretty awesome I can tell you.

Although I’m sadly missing him, my precious memories are more prevalent than my sadness that he’s no longer a physical presence in my life. When I look at a photo of him, I feel sheer love and that moves the sadness into the background.

Practicing Acceptance doesn’t mean you avoid or deny your feelings or just sit back and take no action,  it simply means you stop unnecessary stress and/or anxiety from arising, stop feeling agitated and overwhelmed and you remain calmer. You then have the opportunity and clarity of mind to choose how you want to think and respond, in all situations, not just in saying good-bye. You’ll also be in a calmer state to ensure you pay attention to taking good care of yourself and your needs, which is especially important at difficult times.

Practicing acceptance of what is, ensures Every Day Gets Better. 🙂

❤️ Bye my darling brother. I will always remain deeply grateful for you and love you for all eternity.